I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
