i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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