Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
