I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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