i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
