If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I smell like Dick and happiness
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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