Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
