Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
