how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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