I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
