I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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