i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
