Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
