your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
