every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just threw up on my dentist
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
