I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
