her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
