Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
