I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
only if we run a train.
done.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
