the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
