I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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