I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
