she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Pants are for mortals
Couch. On fire.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
