The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I am naked and annoyed.
I believe in your delicious
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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