When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
