I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
