We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
