he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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