You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I will pee on everything he values.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
