That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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