We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
