i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
