I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
