I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
