Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
