He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
