Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
