Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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