Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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