The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
