If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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