I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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