I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't deserve a penis
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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