I wish my penis had an off switch
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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