I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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