A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
