my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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