So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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