ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
