At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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