you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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