Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
i think i just lost a toe
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
