Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
